Pink Princess's ten commandments of romance

My Ten Commandments of Romanc

1. Thou shalt not have a cartoon-ish cover on thy novel. I am not 5 years old, I am a grown up. I outgrew cartoons many moons ago.

2. Thou shalt not write a hero or heroine with obscure, made up, unpronounceable names! If thou wants to discuss a book with thy friend, thou does not want to stumble over Flerghlherz and Gtyphlax. Thou shalt use names that I can pronounce without spittle flying out of my mouth.

3. While on the subject of names, thou shalt not give thy hero and heroine gender confusing names. I do not want to read about a heroine named Fred, George, or Tony. It hurts my head trying to figure out who is wearing the skirt in the story.

4. Thou shalt not make a hero wimpy. There is a fine line between sensitive and wimpy, and some authors cross it. The hero shalt not roll over and play dead when the heroine shows some fire. Thou shalt make thy hero fire back.

5. Thou shalt not allow the heroine to be violated unduly or have to endure Very Bad Things for extended periods of time. I realize it is sometimes part of the story and the journey, and I have been able to overlook it on occasion, but it is largely misused and offensive. A gang rape is NEVER ok. Make a note.

6. Thou shalt not write a book where the blurb and cover are more exciting than the actual story. One does not want to close a book and think that thy time would have been better served sitting and staring at the cover.

7. Thou shalt not write a heroine who is stronger, faster, taller, bigger feet, uglier, has shorter hair, or a better shot than the hero. Some things art sacred in a romance -- thy hero needs to be able to save the heroine at all times, in all circumstances. The man shalt be the man, the woman a woman.

8. On that note, thou shalt not make the heroine manly, always wanting to "beat" the hero at something. It is not funny, it is not sexy, and it is boring. If I wanted two manly protagonists I would read a gay romance. I don't, and I won't.

9. Thou shalt be veeeeerrry careful about who is time traveling and where. A woman may go forward or back in time, a man may come forward in time, but a man shalt not go back in time. A modern man lacks the historically appropriate skills to protect the heroine from bad guys.

10. Thou shalt not make thy heroine look like a thirteen-year-old boy. It is not sexy. No matter how "slim/slender/thin", thy heroine must look like the chick that she is. Give her boobs. I don't care if they are gigantic or small, but thou shalt give the poor girl boobs that are apparent.